i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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