I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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