Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
