It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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