Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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