I accidentally had phone sex last night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
