If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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