Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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