if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
