my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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