I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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