it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
