mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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