I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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