On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
