Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
