in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
