I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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