yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
