I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
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This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
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Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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