god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
