i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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