i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
