Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
