Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
