when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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