she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
