Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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