The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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