remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
40s are totally the cure
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
