just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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