Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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