my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
