when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
