I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
