i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
