How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
