I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
