I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We have so much sex to catch up on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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