Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
