My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
