i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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