No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
