It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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