Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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