I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
