Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
