Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
