New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
