M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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