I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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