thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
