I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
