I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
