The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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