New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she told me i tasted like america
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
