There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
