if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
