he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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