i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
